Sunday, December 27, 2009


im tired. my mind is too complex for its own good. i feel sort of how i felt with my ex. crazy. like i know in my mind i need to let go and prepare myself for somethign worth my emotions but i dont know how to let go. i hate confiding to my friends cause i know they are going to tell me the truth i dont want to hear. i read in a book how women make excuses for men and situations cause they dont want to face the truth. i have this illusion that just being foolish so desperate to be loved that i am settling settling for lies, bullshit below my standards, lying to cover up the bullshit i have established myself with and gotten comfortable. i swore up and down i would never do this again cause i know im fucking awesome, smart, pretty...scratch that beautiful and worthy of somebody that is on my level. so why am i settling, is it cause most of my friends are married, shacked up, have kids and are moving on to that next chapter in their lives. my hands are shaking my heart hurts and my mind wont stop going. i just want to not think i want my head to be clear. i wish i never met him. i wish i could go back in time and continue to be single and work on myself. i am a neurotic mess and even mroeso because of this situation. he makes me feel like im the apple of his fucking eye when i am with him, but right now for all i know he could be in that fat ugly bitch's arms. why do i settle, why do i ignore the obvious signals that my mind tugs at me and says, "alexis you knwo better bitch!" why because im lonely because my friends are moving on and im not in some sorts because i want somebody to call my won, i want somebody i can run to if i have had a bad day, someone i can cook and bake for, somebody i can cater to and somebody that will do the exact same and mroe for me. but im impatient and im tired of dating im tired of meeting new people and getting to know them, the whole dating scene is monotonous to me. i honestly dont care anymore. this situation im in is not going to work, but because i aim in denial and a glutton for punishment i will continue until the writing is in my face not on the wall cause the writing is already on the wall. i need to give up and embrace the lonliness until i am merely alone and not lonely. i do a lot of random and impulsive shit because i dont want to face the harsh realities of my adulthood the burden of responsibility that i sweep under the rug because im too childish to come to terms with the fact that i still have a myriad of emotional issues to get over. i am wellll over my ex but not over the years of mental and emotional abuse i endured. my hands are still shaking. why does he lie to me. why do people lie to the ones they supposedly care about. i knwo why i lied to my exand why i lie to people, fear, fear of disapointment and selfishness cause i am too much of a pussy to encounter confrontation of any sort. i know this blog is going all over the l=place but i need to let it out. my thoughts are all over the place i cant focus on one particular issue. well it is one particular issue that trickles down into so many other mini issues. i hate bitching to people about their problems because everybody has problems and the ones that care about me are biased cause they care about me and the phony ones are hating ass bitches that want me to be miserable liek them. i hate people. i hate myself sometimes, i hate the situations i willingly put myself into allthough many times i know the outcome. i embrace thefact that i am crazy as catshit but i often wonder why? what happened in my lfie to make me the mess i am today. i put on a good front to people like my lfie is together but its not. my emotions go through many levels and i cry alot mroe than i should, in all actuality i need therapy soo bad but im afraid to get help im afraid to face the things i bury deep down inside which are the solutions to my problems but idk where to scared, and scared to face my demons alone. ima helper by nature cause if i concern myself with helping others i dont have time to focus on my own problems and i can lie to myself that everything is ok cause im too busy worrying about others. i do it with my fam as well. i put soo much attention into this relationship cause i want love so bad i can taste it but u cant force love or a relatonship it happens when it is right..i knwo the answer to my problem but my mind wont let me accept the shit. i tell people that go thru my issues the right answers all the time im actually a pro with others and a scared lil girl with myself....idk

Thursday, December 10, 2009

ugly b*tches

ugly chics rule the world. dont ask me how or when this happened. but what they lack in physical appeal they make up for in their know-how to keep a man and be successful. im not saying there arent successful pretty chics cause there are. but ugly chics have what it takes! i mean what is their secret? most pretty women have some mental defect (i.e. crazy) and arent approached by the right men cause the ugly ass dudes have nothing to lose so thats who approach attractive women. so wtf is their secret? somebody enlighten me please!!!

**pardon my grammatical errors but dammit its 5am so suck it!

Monday, November 30, 2009

I haven't posted in a while

and blogging is the hot thing to do so here I am speaking my mind. Ya know I hate phony ass bitches. Like seriously I don't like feeling like I am being used and idfk I am not going to go into much detail at the current moment...I will wait til tonight when I am in a talkative mood then watchout!!!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

my cars fucked up

So my uncle and grandfather and his friend are all working on my car. And men folk are quite interesting.... Idk how else to explain it but there are some ritualistic things men do that I cannot relate to. I tried to go outside for a bit to show my appreciation for them fixing my car but hell I have the slightest idea whats wrong with my car nor how to fix yeh I am not good at middle-aged/older black man jargon. Wish I was cause that would definitely bridge the communication/generation gap between my grandfather and I. But its ok, they know I am a lady and well I guess I will take my ass in the kitchen and cook or something,lol. I already cleaned. I am all for women's rights but in my opinion there are some roles I dont mind men having and some roles I dont mind having as a woman. I dont feel that accepting these roles makes me any less of a modern day woman. I like to cook and well cleaning is second nature. I take pride in preparing meals for my grandad I feel if anything I am training as a housewife for when I do fine the right guy. Idk I will probably continue this blog later cause it is an interesting topic...and to think it all stemmed from my car getting fixed.

**Also I have a few words on friendships and how certain circumstances that life throws at you sometimes changes things and it shouldnt...but thats all apart of life and I will discuss that later...just wanted to touch upon the topic...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I know im addicted, but I know you aint shit, those thoughts always escape my mind when you’re nibbling my clit, the way your dick just sits and grazes across my lips, puts my head into a crazy fit, I love to lick it and swirl my tongue around, makes my pussy wet when you push my head down, I wanna let go and stop this chaos, but when I gaze into your eyes im utterly and completely lost. That’s why I avoid them at all costs, cause I hate the void I feel when from the earth you drop off. You tell me what I wanna hear and it somewhat puts my mind at ease, but the emotional trip u take me on is quite the tease. Our conversations are always entertaining and great, you stimulate my mind and not a moment too late. Ive noticed lately the deep things to you I say, slip your mind and disappear day by day,Your kisses are passionate and so intense, when you make me take the dick the pleasures so immense. I know in my heart that im addicted, wish I could say im far from afflicted. But I am im lost, confused and a little upset, I think back to when we first met,starring at you across the room, not knowing then my impending doom, I know what it is you know me so well but not in the conventional way that everyone can tell. See you know my body and what she desires, that’s why when you enter me my soul sets a fire. I never have to say more this,that, or your doing it wrong, you know just how to satisfy me and string me along, make me want more and I swear after I leave I still feel you,still smell your aroma from the voo doo that you do,I just wish you thought the same as I do. See nobody else knows how to quench my lewd thirst, the thoughts of you tying me up and taking it on my list its a first. Every lascivious fantasy I have you think the same, so sexually with you I don’t feel insane.I think in my mind what makes me feel the worse is in your eyes I know I am far from first, im sure there are others that quench your thirst, Unfortunately to this I try to turn a blind eye, and feel sickly obliged for the times you tell me to stop by, Like I said I know im addicted,but I know you aint shit,think I have become your love slave and didn’t even know it

-AER..dont bite my shit dammit!

Know what I hate...

So I am on quite a few websites, tagged,twitter,myspace,facebook,etc. I don't hold my tongue for anything, all of these sites that I am on are private....with that said you don't have to be on there, you don't have to read what I say. If you have an issue with what I say...why dont you remove yourself, I am writing this because somebody I added on twitter felt the need to say i am "weird" and I act like kid...that was a direct quote from his horrible grammar using ass. What was the point of telling me that? Why not just unfollow me? Wouldn't that have been the true "mature" thing to do? I have a mother and a father to tell me how I should and shouldn't act annnnnnd in addition to that I am grown as hell so how I talk with my friends is my own fucking business...bad move dumbfuck. Just ugh. I am so irritated.

While I am on this tangent why do people consistently feel the need to lie? I mean I have come across some people (men) that well they wont tell the truth to save their lives, or they say they are being honest but I catch them up lying about some small shit. My principle on that is if you feel the need to lie about some small shit then I KNOW you wont hesitate to lie about the big shit. Like I find myself continuously encountering these nothing ass muhfuckas and I am so over it. I am honest, if I am talking to somebody and I don't see it going anywhere I will let them know, no need to string things along...or if for some reason the nature of our friendship is quite casual....guess what I am open and real about that as well. idk just fed up....

jus sayin....