Sunday, December 27, 2009


im tired. my mind is too complex for its own good. i feel sort of how i felt with my ex. crazy. like i know in my mind i need to let go and prepare myself for somethign worth my emotions but i dont know how to let go. i hate confiding to my friends cause i know they are going to tell me the truth i dont want to hear. i read in a book how women make excuses for men and situations cause they dont want to face the truth. i have this illusion that just being foolish so desperate to be loved that i am settling settling for lies, bullshit below my standards, lying to cover up the bullshit i have established myself with and gotten comfortable. i swore up and down i would never do this again cause i know im fucking awesome, smart, pretty...scratch that beautiful and worthy of somebody that is on my level. so why am i settling, is it cause most of my friends are married, shacked up, have kids and are moving on to that next chapter in their lives. my hands are shaking my heart hurts and my mind wont stop going. i just want to not think i want my head to be clear. i wish i never met him. i wish i could go back in time and continue to be single and work on myself. i am a neurotic mess and even mroeso because of this situation. he makes me feel like im the apple of his fucking eye when i am with him, but right now for all i know he could be in that fat ugly bitch's arms. why do i settle, why do i ignore the obvious signals that my mind tugs at me and says, "alexis you knwo better bitch!" why because im lonely because my friends are moving on and im not in some sorts because i want somebody to call my won, i want somebody i can run to if i have had a bad day, someone i can cook and bake for, somebody i can cater to and somebody that will do the exact same and mroe for me. but im impatient and im tired of dating im tired of meeting new people and getting to know them, the whole dating scene is monotonous to me. i honestly dont care anymore. this situation im in is not going to work, but because i aim in denial and a glutton for punishment i will continue until the writing is in my face not on the wall cause the writing is already on the wall. i need to give up and embrace the lonliness until i am merely alone and not lonely. i do a lot of random and impulsive shit because i dont want to face the harsh realities of my adulthood the burden of responsibility that i sweep under the rug because im too childish to come to terms with the fact that i still have a myriad of emotional issues to get over. i am wellll over my ex but not over the years of mental and emotional abuse i endured. my hands are still shaking. why does he lie to me. why do people lie to the ones they supposedly care about. i knwo why i lied to my exand why i lie to people, fear, fear of disapointment and selfishness cause i am too much of a pussy to encounter confrontation of any sort. i know this blog is going all over the l=place but i need to let it out. my thoughts are all over the place i cant focus on one particular issue. well it is one particular issue that trickles down into so many other mini issues. i hate bitching to people about their problems because everybody has problems and the ones that care about me are biased cause they care about me and the phony ones are hating ass bitches that want me to be miserable liek them. i hate people. i hate myself sometimes, i hate the situations i willingly put myself into allthough many times i know the outcome. i embrace thefact that i am crazy as catshit but i often wonder why? what happened in my lfie to make me the mess i am today. i put on a good front to people like my lfie is together but its not. my emotions go through many levels and i cry alot mroe than i should, in all actuality i need therapy soo bad but im afraid to get help im afraid to face the things i bury deep down inside which are the solutions to my problems but idk where to scared, and scared to face my demons alone. ima helper by nature cause if i concern myself with helping others i dont have time to focus on my own problems and i can lie to myself that everything is ok cause im too busy worrying about others. i do it with my fam as well. i put soo much attention into this relationship cause i want love so bad i can taste it but u cant force love or a relatonship it happens when it is right..i knwo the answer to my problem but my mind wont let me accept the shit. i tell people that go thru my issues the right answers all the time im actually a pro with others and a scared lil girl with myself....idk

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